I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
