Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
