i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
