I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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