so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
