i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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