So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize