Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
