i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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