Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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