You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
