My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
