I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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