Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
