Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm passing your future prison.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize