God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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