her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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