I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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