The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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