is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
