and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
