My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
