i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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