i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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