why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry my hands just texted you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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