Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
