it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
