the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
