So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
