Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
