listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
