im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
