I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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