chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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