Nicole vs. Life
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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