Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
