who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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