toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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