Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
