if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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