He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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