She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
