Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
