Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
