How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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