When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
