Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
