shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
