Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
