Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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