Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
