I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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