I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
