Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
