The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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