i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
