we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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