The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
