apparently the secret to your success is patron
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
