Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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