matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
