Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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