Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
