Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
