Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
