goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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