Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
