your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm gonna have a badass scar
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
